Shame

Hello again friends!

March is what us Hasses fondly call "birthday month." Both Ryan and I celebrate March birthdays. So does my dad, our sister-in-law Lauren, and our nephew Easton. Our niece Leah also has a birthday on February 27, so we kind of consider that the start of birthday month.

Ever year around this time, I start thinking about the past year of my life. Generally, I have considered every year until now to be a good one. I am struggling, however, with my 29th year. I don't think it's been a waste by any means, but this year marks a year of growing pains. I think it's necessary, but I hope my next year will be better. This blog may be a little scattered because I am still working through some of these thoughts and feelings, but let me try to explain...

Lately, I've asked myself, "What is one word to describe my 29th year?" This is a hard one to admit, but here it is.

SHAME

I have felt ashamed of my age. I have felt ashamed of my size. I have felt ashamed of my hair color. I have felt ashamed of my heritage. I have felt ashamed of my personality. I have felt ashamed of my sense of humor. I have felt ashamed of my desire for friendship.

Interesting, isn't it? This is the first year I have struggled so much with shame. So allow me to explain further...

My age has isolated me. I haven't met anyone my age here yet. I'm sure there are plenty of 29 year olds, but none that I have had the pleasure of meeting. To the people living in my apartment complex, I AM SO YOUNG. Most of them are mid-30s. To the woman working at one of my favorite cafes, I AM SO YOUNG. She is 2 years older than me. To some of my English students, I AM SO YOUNG. Some of them are 1-15 years older than me. To my other English students, I am the older one. When a Japanese person meets you, one of the first questions they ask is your age. They're asking because they want to see how they should interact with you. To older people, they react very respectfully, using a higher/more polite version of Japanese. To younger people, they immediately go into mother-mode, using an equal/lower version of Japanese. In my mind, that question is asking "can we be friends, or are we business partners, mentor/mentees, or mother/child?" So often, interaction within the community is difficult. I have literally had people excuse themselves away from me because of my age. Ify is quite literally the only friend who has never asked my age (thank God for her!). I have always admired the age 30. I don't know why. I have looked forward to turning 30, though I have also not wished the last 3 decades away either. But I am not looking forward to turning 30 here because I don't think it'll be celebrated. I think I will still be very isolated because of it.

Over the last year, I have realized that I have allowed this feeling of shame to creep in. "If I was just a couple years older..."

I have also felt ashamed of my size. Of course, part of this is because I'm bigger than I've ever been before. But most of it is because I'm bigger than most of the population here. Our first week in Japan, we went to a Docomo shop to get me a cell phone. They asked us to sit in the waiting room, and my butt/thighs literally wouldn't fit between the arm rests. So I had to stand. The infrastructure of this country is built for someone much smaller than me. The other day, we went to dinner at a pizza/pasta restaurant. Within 10 minutes we were so insecure. It felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at us. That doesn't happen all of the time, but this time it was worse than usual. We even considered that maybe we were doing something wrong? But it's not uncommon to get unwanted attention as a foreigner. Most of the time, it makes me feel like a monster. I'm thinking, "Are we eating too much? Do we have bad table manners? Am I wearing a sign? Do we have bad Japanese? Did I say something wrong?" It could be nothing. It could be because we were sitting in a place that they all were facing (which wasn't exactly true). Regardless, it makes me feel huge. When I used to take the bus and train, there were many times when I sat down next to someone who then stood up and found another seat or road 30 minutes on the train standing up. Who knows why, but I immediately think, "Maybe I sat on them. I didn't feel it. Maybe I got in their space."

"If only I was skinnier..."

Oh my, if only my hair were more perfect. In the hot, humid summers, this curly blonde is a wild thing. I tried to get my hair cut once. When I went into the salon, they told me my hair was "ちょっと難しい" (chotto muzukashii, or a little difficult). In Japan, that's how you say no without being direct. Fortunately my mom is a beautician, so she cuts it everytime she sees me. Sometimes when people stare at me, I think, "If only my hair was more brown, I wouldn't be such a monster."

"If only my hair wasn't blonde..."

While I have no allegiance to anything above God, I am very thankful to be American. I often imagine that I could have been born into such different circumstances. I am so thankful for freedom. In fact, I cherish it. But here, freedom is a very grey area. You drive into a parking lot this way, and exit the other way. You go with the system. You follow these rules...that aren't really even official rules. And anyone who is a gaijin (foreigner), regardless of where they're from, they're considered to be American. When I get onto a train, some of the older women hold their purses a little bit tighter, and I can see fear written all over their faces. All I can do is smile and bow. But it has often crossed my mind that I wished I lived in a high-expat area or that I wasn't a foreigner. I have felt shame.

"If only I didn't look SO foreign..."

Most people who know me will probably say that I'm a fairly loud person. I also REALLY love to laugh. I love joy. But over the past year, I wonder if that has changed. Sometimes I feel a part of me has gone away. Being loud is considered obnoxious, and Japanese say that American women "laugh like horses" with their head thrown back and their mouth wide open. The virtue here is to be modest (in action), quiet, and not asserting oneself or desires. About 2 weeks after we moved in, they put a sign by the elevator that had a person covering their ears and noise happening all around them. My friend translated it. It said there has been a noise complaint, so to please respect your neighbors by being quiet. I couldn't help but wonder if it was us. Just talking and laughing like we normally would. Imagine the most obnoxious person you've ever been around, then multiply it by 10. That's how people would view my real personality here. Women laugh almost silently with their hand covering their mouth. Oh, how I long to chat loudly out of excitement with friends and to laugh until I CRY!  But I have really suppressed it here because I don't want to disturb the peace or impose so much on people. It makes me a bit sad. It feels like a large part of me is gone. And a larger part of me has become more serious than I can handle. The Llushos are coming to visit on Friday, and I want so badly to laugh and talk and share joy. But I am so nervous that I have changed permanently. Oh, how sad it makes me feel to think this. Sometimes at work when I am chatting or laughing, I am immediately told to get back to work. I think, "Maybe if I worked harder and didn't talk at all, I would be valuable." I work BECAUSE of people. It's so hard to imagine a life without freedom of conversation. Is this me being childish? Or immature? Maybe God is shaping me into a quiet and gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:4-6) which is a good thing. But recently I found myself wishing I had never enjoyed conversation and laughter so much to begin with. That was hard...when I realized I was wishing my personality away.

"If only I was more 'normal'..."

"If only I was more serious..."

I have felt so isolated because of who I am. So much, I desire friendships. I know in my heart that Christ is enough for me. There are people living with zero friends, zero family. Christ lived with people hating him. Even two of His closest friends betrayed Him. So I feel ashamed of my desire to have friendships when I have Jesus. I believe that Christ is enough, but I find myself wondering...do I really believe it?

"If only I could suppress this desire to have friends..."

Oh, and it has spiraled into more. "Don't bother your friends at home, they don't miss you. Don't update facebook, no one cares. Don't update facebook, you're annoying people." It has gotten ugly.

My goodness. So the summary is, "If only I was a couple years older, was skinnier, my hair wasn't blonde, I didn't look SO foreign, I was more 'normal', I was more serious, and I could suppress this desire to have friends..." 

Then what, Amy?

I found myself asking myself this. If I was more X, Y, and Z, then what?

Then those around me could see my heart and want to be my friend because of that alone.

Wow. I realized...I just want people to see me. Not all the things that make them disgusted and turn away from me. You know what this sounds like?

The lies of SATAN, HIMSELF.

Isn't he always telling the world, "If you are more this and more that, the world will love you?" "If you are more perfect or more that, you will be worthy of God's love." "You should feel ashamed of yourself. No one likes who you are."

Isn't that UGLY?! Aren't his lies so destroying?

But God is standing here saying...

I LOVE YOU (Romans 5:5)

I AM LOVE (1 John 4:8)

I TOOK YOUR SHAME ON THE CROSS (John 3:16)

YOU ARE WONDERFUL & BEAUTIFUL (Psalm 139:14)

I CREATED YOU (Genesis 1:27, Ecc. 3:11)

Isn't this BEAUTIFUL?! Aren't the truths of God so life-giving and restoring?

His love does not put us to shame. His love is POURED OUT onto us. He gives love, then He gives more. Then He forgives us, then He loves us more, and gives us hope, then He gives us more grace than we deserve.

This country is GORGEOUS and the presence of the Creator cries out in every direction you look. But the people here worship the created thing instead.

"They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen" (Romans 1:25).

In this godless country, I have fallen victim to the lies of the world. I have felt ashamed of who I am because I am isolated and secluded as a result of who I am. But wasn't Christ? Even He was left alone by His closest friends when He asked them to keep watch as He prayed. That doesn't change who He was.

And nothing changes the fact that He loves me. He values me.

I have felt shame in my 29th year. In my 30th year, may I remember everyday that He loves me perfectly, more, and better than anyone else could love me. May I always believe His truth instead of the lies of the world. May I turn 31 knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am His...and He is mine. May I look back on this next year with joy in my relationship with Him instead of sadness over the lack of relationships with people. May I think less of myself and more of Him. May I not be distracted by the world, but be engulfed in His love. May I think on Philippians 4:8:

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

May I look back on my 30th year and see Him.

"Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. (Psalm 34:5)"

I love to love you always,

Amy