Long Time, No See! 久しぶり !

Ohhh, dear friends and family!

It has been too long since I have written to you. I'm sorry! The year 2014 was an interesting one. A huge rollercoaster to say the least. Since I have last written, I have finished Japanese language school, started and been on winter break from one job, ...and started and ended a second job. Ryan has worked through one assignment, continues Japanese language school, ...and has been put on a new assignment. We have tried (so far unsuccessfully) to navigate the world of friendships. We have tried to figure out our "place" in Japan...and also tried to remember our "value" in the eyes of God. Yes, a rollercoaster.

After Golden Week last year, I started volunteering at Torchbearers Yamanakako Japan. It has been a lovely time working within a Christian community that operates in English. It has also been a challenging one. It has stretched my views and actions about relationships. Sometimes I complete a day feeling like I am on Cloud 9 more than ever before and sometimes feeling lower than I've ever felt before. When I compare it to my prior work life, I have absolutely experienced harder. But I think applying this experience in the Japanese environment has made it harder in a different way. Regardless, I have to say, it is a work experience that I treasure more than any other. God has spoken to and stretched me in ways I have been longing for, but couldn't put my finger on. He has challenged me in ways I already felt strong. But I learned that in those ways that were actual weaknesses, He was strong. He has broken me in ways that I have longed for, but was too selfish and head strong. I just want that. I just want to be changed into a new creature all the time. As I write this, I am struggling with the ugliness of my sin and the reality of my humanity, but feeling so loved by my Savior...that He would love me & change me through Torchbearers. Right now I am on winter break until March, but I am looking forward to another year there.

At the same time that I started Torchbearers, I also started teaching English in local cafes. I have enjoyed getting to know some of the women of my city! Although, I learned that teaching English is hard! I've never been trained in teaching. I've always loved my teachers in life, but I realize now that I still didn't give them the credit they deserved. It's a lot of work. A lot of my free time was spent thinking and planning and drafting lessons. As we thought about my schedule last year, we realized that it needed to slow back down again. So just this week, I had my last English class. I hope that I'll still maintain communication with the students. My dream is to meet with them in cafes casually, as friends, and chat in English without a lesson plan. I also hope that I can love my husband better by being present, less stressed, and helping out more around the apartment.

Ryan's job has gone well. He is better to speak about what it's really like to work in his environment. I can only speak best to how much I admire the way he works, his commitment, and perseverance. He does get down, but he doesn't stop. His wheels are always turning, trying to find a solution. He's a very factual person, and while he has lots of emotions, somehow he doesn't let them rule his path. It's amazing to watch. His biggest challenges have definitely been people related. People are what drive me at the core, so from my perspective, I have always thought that you can't complete any project without others. And that is how this job is going for him. First time managing, first time working so closely with this culture to complete deliverables. Kind of a double whammy. I'm not sure how he feels most days, but I can see how God guides him as he tries to honor God in his work. He is slow to speak when emotions are high, and quick to guide when people need him.

This year, they have asked him to guide a different group. There's a big transition for his company, and I think he is excited for this new vision and direction. Please pray for him as he (kind of) starts over. The beginning of last year was a big change. This year seems to look the same.

My oh my, so many people have visited us from the USA! We were hoping, but weren't expecting this, so it has been just lovely. My friend Deanna, Ryan's Aunt Denise, and my parents all came last year. This Friday, the Llushos are coming. At the same time, Julie and Joanna will be traveling around Japan, and we plan to meet up with them. This summer, the Brocks will be coming. And there is talk that my family might come again this fall. How exciting! We have also had lots of unexpected opportunities to go home, including this March! Being with friends brings me much joy!

I would say the hardest thing for me here has been friendships. They're so different here. Groups are HUGE, and you're either in...or you're out. Being a foreigner kind of already puts you in an "out" group in general, but thank God for our church and family in Christ. They have loved us which has been awesome. Thank God for our friend Ify from England. She also lives in our town, teaches English in the public schools, and goes to church with us. We are also thankful for the Frentzs, the Donatos, the Blanches, the pastors families (Nakamis and Kitamuras), the Garcias, and many others. They're also family in Christ. We don't get to see them as often as we'd like because of scheduling and living far apart, but it is such a joy when we can.

It's interesting because last year, I didn't notice a lot of the women from our apartment getting together. It's company housing, and the men work such long hours, that my first thought was to form a women's group. One thing I was quickly advised is that while the community is quiet, the women here are already part of groups. After I realized that, I learned this to be true. There are moms groups. There are lunch groups. There are exercise groups at the gym. There are lunch date groups. But I'm not a mom, so I haven't been able to get into the mom group. And I'm "younger" than the other women in the family apartments, so I haven't been able to be a part of that group. Some women have reached out to get together with me, which has been GREAT, but once they realize my age, their interactions with me IMMEDIATELY change to a motherly figure (even if they're only a couple years older). They also switch gears from friends who chat, to someone who can teach them or their children English (i.e. a business relationship). Since people are the root of why I do what I do, it has been a very painful process.

I read a book last year called At Home in Japan by Rebecca Otowa. In it she wrote something that has stuck in my mind throughout all of this.

"As I was evolving in my expat life, the Japanese people around me looked at me and saw a gaijin - an outsider, one who could never belong. This is the heartache of the foreigner in Japan, and it makes this a wholly different experience from that of an expat in, say, parts of Europe, or Australia."

My heart cries for a friend to go have coffee with...just because...for fun...to laugh...to let my hair down...without obligation or "returning the favor" by teaching them English or something else. One time we went out to eat with a family. They demanded to pay the bill, even though we wanted to get our own. When we left, they said, "We want to learn English with you." I was crushed. Another time, a family from language school had us over for a American style BBQ. We were so excited to go. We brought food and stuff to share. At the end, they said, "We need your help with a work assignment." I was crushed again. How I long for friends who will visit with me, talk to me about nothing, sit in silence with me, come over and do nothing or something, etc. How I long for my friends from home.

Because of the dynamic of relationships (friendships that have obligation with tight groups in which you're either IN or OUT) and state of Christianity in Japan (less than 1% are Christians), I often realize why Japan is considered a "missionary wasteland." It's an incredibly peaceful and gorgeous country to visit, but for the person spending their life here, it is extremely difficult. Then I am guided to the knowledge that God gives us GRACE. This is His purpose in bringing us to Himself. Grace means that I have God as my Father. It means that He is my closest friend. He has unconditional love for us and wants to care gently for us. He is Daddy, Abba. His love is unrelenting and cannot be broken.

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, ABBA, FATHER [emphasis added]. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God... If so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together" (Romans 8:15-17).

I have never felt more lonely and heartbreak in my lifetime than I have since moving to Japan. I have never been so uncertain of where I "fit" into this world. But I have also never understood God's love for me more clearly. I have never realized my value in Him better. I would make the decision to move here all over again if only to experience God's love better. What love. He cares for my broken heart.

This was a long one, but I wanted to give you an update.

I love you always!
Amy