Shame

Hello again friends!

March is what us Hasses fondly call "birthday month." Both Ryan and I celebrate March birthdays. So does my dad, our sister-in-law Lauren, and our nephew Easton. Our niece Leah also has a birthday on February 27, so we kind of consider that the start of birthday month.

Ever year around this time, I start thinking about the past year of my life. Generally, I have considered every year until now to be a good one. I am struggling, however, with my 29th year. I don't think it's been a waste by any means, but this year marks a year of growing pains. I think it's necessary, but I hope my next year will be better. This blog may be a little scattered because I am still working through some of these thoughts and feelings, but let me try to explain...

Lately, I've asked myself, "What is one word to describe my 29th year?" This is a hard one to admit, but here it is.

SHAME

I have felt ashamed of my age. I have felt ashamed of my size. I have felt ashamed of my hair color. I have felt ashamed of my heritage. I have felt ashamed of my personality. I have felt ashamed of my sense of humor. I have felt ashamed of my desire for friendship.

Interesting, isn't it? This is the first year I have struggled so much with shame. So allow me to explain further...

My age has isolated me. I haven't met anyone my age here yet. I'm sure there are plenty of 29 year olds, but none that I have had the pleasure of meeting. To the people living in my apartment complex, I AM SO YOUNG. Most of them are mid-30s. To the woman working at one of my favorite cafes, I AM SO YOUNG. She is 2 years older than me. To some of my English students, I AM SO YOUNG. Some of them are 1-15 years older than me. To my other English students, I am the older one. When a Japanese person meets you, one of the first questions they ask is your age. They're asking because they want to see how they should interact with you. To older people, they react very respectfully, using a higher/more polite version of Japanese. To younger people, they immediately go into mother-mode, using an equal/lower version of Japanese. In my mind, that question is asking "can we be friends, or are we business partners, mentor/mentees, or mother/child?" So often, interaction within the community is difficult. I have literally had people excuse themselves away from me because of my age. Ify is quite literally the only friend who has never asked my age (thank God for her!). I have always admired the age 30. I don't know why. I have looked forward to turning 30, though I have also not wished the last 3 decades away either. But I am not looking forward to turning 30 here because I don't think it'll be celebrated. I think I will still be very isolated because of it.

Over the last year, I have realized that I have allowed this feeling of shame to creep in. "If I was just a couple years older..."

I have also felt ashamed of my size. Of course, part of this is because I'm bigger than I've ever been before. But most of it is because I'm bigger than most of the population here. Our first week in Japan, we went to a Docomo shop to get me a cell phone. They asked us to sit in the waiting room, and my butt/thighs literally wouldn't fit between the arm rests. So I had to stand. The infrastructure of this country is built for someone much smaller than me. The other day, we went to dinner at a pizza/pasta restaurant. Within 10 minutes we were so insecure. It felt like everyone in the restaurant was staring at us. That doesn't happen all of the time, but this time it was worse than usual. We even considered that maybe we were doing something wrong? But it's not uncommon to get unwanted attention as a foreigner. Most of the time, it makes me feel like a monster. I'm thinking, "Are we eating too much? Do we have bad table manners? Am I wearing a sign? Do we have bad Japanese? Did I say something wrong?" It could be nothing. It could be because we were sitting in a place that they all were facing (which wasn't exactly true). Regardless, it makes me feel huge. When I used to take the bus and train, there were many times when I sat down next to someone who then stood up and found another seat or road 30 minutes on the train standing up. Who knows why, but I immediately think, "Maybe I sat on them. I didn't feel it. Maybe I got in their space."

"If only I was skinnier..."

Oh my, if only my hair were more perfect. In the hot, humid summers, this curly blonde is a wild thing. I tried to get my hair cut once. When I went into the salon, they told me my hair was "ちょっと難しい" (chotto muzukashii, or a little difficult). In Japan, that's how you say no without being direct. Fortunately my mom is a beautician, so she cuts it everytime she sees me. Sometimes when people stare at me, I think, "If only my hair was more brown, I wouldn't be such a monster."

"If only my hair wasn't blonde..."

While I have no allegiance to anything above God, I am very thankful to be American. I often imagine that I could have been born into such different circumstances. I am so thankful for freedom. In fact, I cherish it. But here, freedom is a very grey area. You drive into a parking lot this way, and exit the other way. You go with the system. You follow these rules...that aren't really even official rules. And anyone who is a gaijin (foreigner), regardless of where they're from, they're considered to be American. When I get onto a train, some of the older women hold their purses a little bit tighter, and I can see fear written all over their faces. All I can do is smile and bow. But it has often crossed my mind that I wished I lived in a high-expat area or that I wasn't a foreigner. I have felt shame.

"If only I didn't look SO foreign..."

Most people who know me will probably say that I'm a fairly loud person. I also REALLY love to laugh. I love joy. But over the past year, I wonder if that has changed. Sometimes I feel a part of me has gone away. Being loud is considered obnoxious, and Japanese say that American women "laugh like horses" with their head thrown back and their mouth wide open. The virtue here is to be modest (in action), quiet, and not asserting oneself or desires. About 2 weeks after we moved in, they put a sign by the elevator that had a person covering their ears and noise happening all around them. My friend translated it. It said there has been a noise complaint, so to please respect your neighbors by being quiet. I couldn't help but wonder if it was us. Just talking and laughing like we normally would. Imagine the most obnoxious person you've ever been around, then multiply it by 10. That's how people would view my real personality here. Women laugh almost silently with their hand covering their mouth. Oh, how I long to chat loudly out of excitement with friends and to laugh until I CRY!  But I have really suppressed it here because I don't want to disturb the peace or impose so much on people. It makes me a bit sad. It feels like a large part of me is gone. And a larger part of me has become more serious than I can handle. The Llushos are coming to visit on Friday, and I want so badly to laugh and talk and share joy. But I am so nervous that I have changed permanently. Oh, how sad it makes me feel to think this. Sometimes at work when I am chatting or laughing, I am immediately told to get back to work. I think, "Maybe if I worked harder and didn't talk at all, I would be valuable." I work BECAUSE of people. It's so hard to imagine a life without freedom of conversation. Is this me being childish? Or immature? Maybe God is shaping me into a quiet and gentle spirit (1 Peter 3:4-6) which is a good thing. But recently I found myself wishing I had never enjoyed conversation and laughter so much to begin with. That was hard...when I realized I was wishing my personality away.

"If only I was more 'normal'..."

"If only I was more serious..."

I have felt so isolated because of who I am. So much, I desire friendships. I know in my heart that Christ is enough for me. There are people living with zero friends, zero family. Christ lived with people hating him. Even two of His closest friends betrayed Him. So I feel ashamed of my desire to have friendships when I have Jesus. I believe that Christ is enough, but I find myself wondering...do I really believe it?

"If only I could suppress this desire to have friends..."

Oh, and it has spiraled into more. "Don't bother your friends at home, they don't miss you. Don't update facebook, no one cares. Don't update facebook, you're annoying people." It has gotten ugly.

My goodness. So the summary is, "If only I was a couple years older, was skinnier, my hair wasn't blonde, I didn't look SO foreign, I was more 'normal', I was more serious, and I could suppress this desire to have friends..." 

Then what, Amy?

I found myself asking myself this. If I was more X, Y, and Z, then what?

Then those around me could see my heart and want to be my friend because of that alone.

Wow. I realized...I just want people to see me. Not all the things that make them disgusted and turn away from me. You know what this sounds like?

The lies of SATAN, HIMSELF.

Isn't he always telling the world, "If you are more this and more that, the world will love you?" "If you are more perfect or more that, you will be worthy of God's love." "You should feel ashamed of yourself. No one likes who you are."

Isn't that UGLY?! Aren't his lies so destroying?

But God is standing here saying...

I LOVE YOU (Romans 5:5)

I AM LOVE (1 John 4:8)

I TOOK YOUR SHAME ON THE CROSS (John 3:16)

YOU ARE WONDERFUL & BEAUTIFUL (Psalm 139:14)

I CREATED YOU (Genesis 1:27, Ecc. 3:11)

Isn't this BEAUTIFUL?! Aren't the truths of God so life-giving and restoring?

His love does not put us to shame. His love is POURED OUT onto us. He gives love, then He gives more. Then He forgives us, then He loves us more, and gives us hope, then He gives us more grace than we deserve.

This country is GORGEOUS and the presence of the Creator cries out in every direction you look. But the people here worship the created thing instead.

"They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator - who is forever praised. Amen" (Romans 1:25).

In this godless country, I have fallen victim to the lies of the world. I have felt ashamed of who I am because I am isolated and secluded as a result of who I am. But wasn't Christ? Even He was left alone by His closest friends when He asked them to keep watch as He prayed. That doesn't change who He was.

And nothing changes the fact that He loves me. He values me.

I have felt shame in my 29th year. In my 30th year, may I remember everyday that He loves me perfectly, more, and better than anyone else could love me. May I always believe His truth instead of the lies of the world. May I turn 31 knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am His...and He is mine. May I look back on this next year with joy in my relationship with Him instead of sadness over the lack of relationships with people. May I think less of myself and more of Him. May I not be distracted by the world, but be engulfed in His love. May I think on Philippians 4:8:

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things."

May I look back on my 30th year and see Him.

"Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. (Psalm 34:5)"

I love to love you always,

Amy

Long Time, No See! 久しぶり !

Ohhh, dear friends and family!

It has been too long since I have written to you. I'm sorry! The year 2014 was an interesting one. A huge rollercoaster to say the least. Since I have last written, I have finished Japanese language school, started and been on winter break from one job, ...and started and ended a second job. Ryan has worked through one assignment, continues Japanese language school, ...and has been put on a new assignment. We have tried (so far unsuccessfully) to navigate the world of friendships. We have tried to figure out our "place" in Japan...and also tried to remember our "value" in the eyes of God. Yes, a rollercoaster.

After Golden Week last year, I started volunteering at Torchbearers Yamanakako Japan. It has been a lovely time working within a Christian community that operates in English. It has also been a challenging one. It has stretched my views and actions about relationships. Sometimes I complete a day feeling like I am on Cloud 9 more than ever before and sometimes feeling lower than I've ever felt before. When I compare it to my prior work life, I have absolutely experienced harder. But I think applying this experience in the Japanese environment has made it harder in a different way. Regardless, I have to say, it is a work experience that I treasure more than any other. God has spoken to and stretched me in ways I have been longing for, but couldn't put my finger on. He has challenged me in ways I already felt strong. But I learned that in those ways that were actual weaknesses, He was strong. He has broken me in ways that I have longed for, but was too selfish and head strong. I just want that. I just want to be changed into a new creature all the time. As I write this, I am struggling with the ugliness of my sin and the reality of my humanity, but feeling so loved by my Savior...that He would love me & change me through Torchbearers. Right now I am on winter break until March, but I am looking forward to another year there.

At the same time that I started Torchbearers, I also started teaching English in local cafes. I have enjoyed getting to know some of the women of my city! Although, I learned that teaching English is hard! I've never been trained in teaching. I've always loved my teachers in life, but I realize now that I still didn't give them the credit they deserved. It's a lot of work. A lot of my free time was spent thinking and planning and drafting lessons. As we thought about my schedule last year, we realized that it needed to slow back down again. So just this week, I had my last English class. I hope that I'll still maintain communication with the students. My dream is to meet with them in cafes casually, as friends, and chat in English without a lesson plan. I also hope that I can love my husband better by being present, less stressed, and helping out more around the apartment.

Ryan's job has gone well. He is better to speak about what it's really like to work in his environment. I can only speak best to how much I admire the way he works, his commitment, and perseverance. He does get down, but he doesn't stop. His wheels are always turning, trying to find a solution. He's a very factual person, and while he has lots of emotions, somehow he doesn't let them rule his path. It's amazing to watch. His biggest challenges have definitely been people related. People are what drive me at the core, so from my perspective, I have always thought that you can't complete any project without others. And that is how this job is going for him. First time managing, first time working so closely with this culture to complete deliverables. Kind of a double whammy. I'm not sure how he feels most days, but I can see how God guides him as he tries to honor God in his work. He is slow to speak when emotions are high, and quick to guide when people need him.

This year, they have asked him to guide a different group. There's a big transition for his company, and I think he is excited for this new vision and direction. Please pray for him as he (kind of) starts over. The beginning of last year was a big change. This year seems to look the same.

My oh my, so many people have visited us from the USA! We were hoping, but weren't expecting this, so it has been just lovely. My friend Deanna, Ryan's Aunt Denise, and my parents all came last year. This Friday, the Llushos are coming. At the same time, Julie and Joanna will be traveling around Japan, and we plan to meet up with them. This summer, the Brocks will be coming. And there is talk that my family might come again this fall. How exciting! We have also had lots of unexpected opportunities to go home, including this March! Being with friends brings me much joy!

I would say the hardest thing for me here has been friendships. They're so different here. Groups are HUGE, and you're either in...or you're out. Being a foreigner kind of already puts you in an "out" group in general, but thank God for our church and family in Christ. They have loved us which has been awesome. Thank God for our friend Ify from England. She also lives in our town, teaches English in the public schools, and goes to church with us. We are also thankful for the Frentzs, the Donatos, the Blanches, the pastors families (Nakamis and Kitamuras), the Garcias, and many others. They're also family in Christ. We don't get to see them as often as we'd like because of scheduling and living far apart, but it is such a joy when we can.

It's interesting because last year, I didn't notice a lot of the women from our apartment getting together. It's company housing, and the men work such long hours, that my first thought was to form a women's group. One thing I was quickly advised is that while the community is quiet, the women here are already part of groups. After I realized that, I learned this to be true. There are moms groups. There are lunch groups. There are exercise groups at the gym. There are lunch date groups. But I'm not a mom, so I haven't been able to get into the mom group. And I'm "younger" than the other women in the family apartments, so I haven't been able to be a part of that group. Some women have reached out to get together with me, which has been GREAT, but once they realize my age, their interactions with me IMMEDIATELY change to a motherly figure (even if they're only a couple years older). They also switch gears from friends who chat, to someone who can teach them or their children English (i.e. a business relationship). Since people are the root of why I do what I do, it has been a very painful process.

I read a book last year called At Home in Japan by Rebecca Otowa. In it she wrote something that has stuck in my mind throughout all of this.

"As I was evolving in my expat life, the Japanese people around me looked at me and saw a gaijin - an outsider, one who could never belong. This is the heartache of the foreigner in Japan, and it makes this a wholly different experience from that of an expat in, say, parts of Europe, or Australia."

My heart cries for a friend to go have coffee with...just because...for fun...to laugh...to let my hair down...without obligation or "returning the favor" by teaching them English or something else. One time we went out to eat with a family. They demanded to pay the bill, even though we wanted to get our own. When we left, they said, "We want to learn English with you." I was crushed. Another time, a family from language school had us over for a American style BBQ. We were so excited to go. We brought food and stuff to share. At the end, they said, "We need your help with a work assignment." I was crushed again. How I long for friends who will visit with me, talk to me about nothing, sit in silence with me, come over and do nothing or something, etc. How I long for my friends from home.

Because of the dynamic of relationships (friendships that have obligation with tight groups in which you're either IN or OUT) and state of Christianity in Japan (less than 1% are Christians), I often realize why Japan is considered a "missionary wasteland." It's an incredibly peaceful and gorgeous country to visit, but for the person spending their life here, it is extremely difficult. Then I am guided to the knowledge that God gives us GRACE. This is His purpose in bringing us to Himself. Grace means that I have God as my Father. It means that He is my closest friend. He has unconditional love for us and wants to care gently for us. He is Daddy, Abba. His love is unrelenting and cannot be broken.

"For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, ABBA, FATHER [emphasis added]. The Spirit itself beareth witness with our spirit, that we are the children of God... If so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together" (Romans 8:15-17).

I have never felt more lonely and heartbreak in my lifetime than I have since moving to Japan. I have never been so uncertain of where I "fit" into this world. But I have also never understood God's love for me more clearly. I have never realized my value in Him better. I would make the decision to move here all over again if only to experience God's love better. What love. He cares for my broken heart.

This was a long one, but I wanted to give you an update.

I love you always!
Amy